Saturday, June 23, 2012

A Kick in the Pants

Do you ever feel relieved to get the proverbial kick in the pants every once in awhile? Most of us don't like to face reality, especially when it flies in the face with what we perceive to be what is best for us. I have been getting a lot of kicks in the pants lately from my conscious aka the Holy Spirit. I am happy to say that I am finally going to try to be obedient and listen. I realize that most of my malaise here lately is precisely because I have chosen to not listen in the hopes that the next day will somehow prove Him wrong and me right. I have been trying to live by two different standards, and it just doesn't work. Romans 12:2 talks about not being conformed to the world, but being transformed by the renewing of your mind. Well, as much as I love that verse and I agree with it, I have not been living by it so much. Hence my misery of late. I keep wondering why I feel so overwhelmed, depressed, lethargic, unfullfilled, and just plain unhappy with who I am and what I have been overwhelmingly blessed with, and I realize that I can sum it all up with the above verse.

I have been too busy comparing myself to what the world defines as a successful woman, mom, whatever, and guess what, I don't measure up. I am not a Super Mom. I don't have it all together. I can't be a career woman and be a good homeschool teacher, wife and mother. In fact, if I am completely honest. I wouldn't need to feel like our budget was stretched thin, if I would quit spending money on my own interests and hobbies, which I don't really have time to do a lot with anyway, and on potentiality. I buy lots of things with great potential, whether it is crafty potential or meal/food potential. However, the potentials never actually materialize into actual completed projects. That slew of cards I bought a stamp set to make just doesn't get made. Those ingredients for those bagels I wanted to bake have yet to be baked. So I am surrounded by a lot of potential, but no actual progress. Guilt is what I produce from my impulsive selfishness and lack of listening to God and realizing I don't need more.
I have started home based direct sales businesses or posted things in my store in the hopes of making a little extra money, but they have all been bigger money pits than money producers. In reality, if I would just be content and focus on what God really wants me to spend my time doing, He will provide all our needs. I don't trust Him very well. Thus I feel impatient, greedy, and like I have to have something now. Guilt usually follows, or the need to hide my purchases.

I see all these other paper crafters making such pretty things and I want to be like them. I see blogs and Pinterest and Facebook posts about people doing amazing things in their kitchens and baking all sorts of yummy gourmet things. I want to be like them. Well, I am not. While God has equipped me with creative and pastry abilities, He wants me to put them aside in those endeavors and be creative with teaching my children. He wants me to quit wanting what everyone else seems to have and focus on what He has given me, which is a lot. My problems with this have been a life long struggle. I always wanted to get to the next life stage or age so I could do what I saw other people being able to do. I got to that stage and guess what, it never materialized like I imagined it. I am always asking God what am I here for. Daily he tries to show me in my family and through his word that He is what I am here for. I am not here to have stuff. I am not here to make stuff. I am not here to achieve fans and followers online. I am not here to have people say what a great mom I am. Aren't my children just so good. Nope, I AM here to bring renown and glory to my God and saviour.

What I do everyday in the little things in teaching my children, listening to them, walking in God's ways with them, smiling and spending time with them, loving them, accepting them, and giving them my time is enough if I do it as unto God. Being a loving satisfied wife, who appreciates her husband and respects him, is what will bring God glory. Living within our means and being a good steward of what God has given us will bring Him the most glory and trusting him to provide for all our needs. I am always asking God for wisdom, what to do, and He keeps giving me billboards in his word that I have been ignoring. It hasn't been what I wanted to see, so I have doubted it. Well, I think it's time to look at them and SEE.

I don't need to sell chocolate. I don't need to sell cards. I don't need to have people follow me on Facebook or this blog. I don't need fame or acclaim. I don't need to prove my worth to anyone. God has already said I am worthy.... worthy of his love and acceptance through His son Jesus Christ. I don't need more potential ideas. I don't need to be like that homeschool mom, or that career woman. I need to be me. I don't even know who that is anymore. I just know I haven't been her in a really long time. I need to live in contentment. I need to live in faith. I want to do that. Lord, please let me live that. Please let me give up all this stuff that so easily encumbers me. I want to be FREE.